“Dear Mom,

This was the beginning of our journey to finding out who Cassie truly is (and always has been). Little did I know then, that we would end up here just a few years later founding SĀFTY.

We’d had our usual weekday family dinner. We chatted about our days, did the dishes and went our separate ways to relax. I was up in the bedroom watching TV. Maybe it was a motherly instinct, maybe it was ESP — I don’t know — but for some reason, I decided to check my email, something which I almost never do in the evenings. And there it was, an email from my child, which was odd, since she was just down the hall. I looked at the subject line and all it said was “Me.”

It made me wonder, why is my kid sending me an email instead of just coming to my room to talk to me? As I began to read, the reason became clear.

People always ask me if I was surprised when I found out. The truth is, I wasn’t. Watching Cassie grow up, she was always a little feminine and we all just figured she would be gay. But this was entirely different. So I wasn’t surprised. But I was shocked. You are never prepared to hear your child say they are transgender. And at that point I don’t think I even was really sure of what it all meant.

I sat there continuing to watch TV, trying to digest it. It took me a little time to gather up the courage. A little while later I walked down the hall to her bedroom, still not knowing how I felt about it, and said, “We love you no matter what, and we will figure this out.” We hugged and talked a little; but to be honest, I was not ready to talk in depth about it because I needed some time by myself to process it. I did what I knew had to be done right then, which was to let Cassie know she had our support.

I had no idea whatsoever what to do. What does it even mean to be transgender? How does this tie into her sexuality? How do I know if my teenager is right about this? How can we be sure this is the right decision? My mind was full of questions.

The next morning I went straight to the internet. I couldn’t quite figure out how to write a clear search, so I just typed in exactly what I was wondering: “What do I do if my kid says they are transgender?” I wasn’t even sure which genders and pronouns to use, so I just wrote it up as generically as I could. I really had to start with the basics. Luckily I found a great website and took a crash course over the next hour. The next several months were an emotional rollercoaster as we were trying to understand this new part of our lives.

As parents we envision a life for our kids and now this life was taking a big turn down a very unfamiliar and frightening road. I was scared about how my child would navigate what I envisioned would be a difficult life. I was worried about how the world would treat her and our family. I was concerned she would start down the path, only to change her mind later.

Over the next few months of that first email, we talked about it and let the idea of it sink in little by little. I then called Cassie’s pediatrician. I wanted to give her a head’s up because the annual check-up was approaching and I didn’t want it to be uncomfortable for anyone. That turned out to be the best phone call I ever made. The doctor’s words were like that famous slap from Moonstruck, where Cher tells the Nicolas Cage character to “snap out of it.” I was asking about how we could tell if our kid was making the right decision? Don’t we need a doctor or some professional to make sure? After all, my kid was only 14 years old. My husband and I are the adults — the parents — shouldn’t we be the ones deciding? 

Dr. Medawar said absolutely not. If your child is telling you this, they’ve been thinking about it for a very long time and they know. A kid does not say they are transgender if they aren’t sure about it. They know themselves better than you do. You need to make an appointment right away at the Center for Transyouth Health and Development. I called there as soon as I hung up to make an appointment. The only thing was, their next opening for a consultation was several months away. So I asked what we could do in the meantime to gain more understanding and to support our kid. We did two things.

We contacted the LA Gender Center and made an appointment with a therapist. We also went to a meeting of Transforming Family, a support group for transgender youth and their families, that meets monthly at Children’s Hospital.

That first Transforming Family parent meeting was life-changing. We met parents across the spectrum, from those who, like us, just got the news, all the way to parents whose kids had completed their gender affirming surgeries. As it turned out, ALL of them initially asked all the same questions my husband and I had. And ALL of them came to the realization that yes, these kids know themselves better than we do, and no matter their ages, they knew their gender when we only think we knew their gender. One mom told me that even though she still was not “on board” she knew it was better to have a transgender daughter rather than a dead son. Another told me that she wasn’t sure she’d made the right decision to support her kid until he started on hormones and she could see how much more happy and comfortable he was with himself. One by one, the statements and stories I heard made me feel so happy. Though I always knew I loved my daughter, and that I wanted to do everything I could to support her, I now knew I was doing the right thing, making the right decision for our family, and that everything was going to turn out okay.

Those feelings were reiterated when the time for our Children’s Hospital consultation finally came. We met with Jamie Julian, the social worker assigned to Cassie, and Dr. Marvin Belzer. Three things stick out in my mind from that first appointment. Jamie explained that the signs they look for are that the transgender person’s feelings are consistent, insistent and persistent. She also said there is never a right age to come out as transgender; people either think you’re too young so how could you know, or they think you’re too old and should not have waited so long. These things started to put everything into perspective for me. And then Dr. Belzer said that in his entire career, he’d had only one patient who after beginning hormones, decided this was not the right decision for them, and they immediately stopped. Watching these two professionals interact with Cassie was also eye-opening. She was so sure, so excited, so confident — and so happy. It all began rubbing off on me. And just like that other mom had said, when Cassie started on hormones, all my doubts evaporated.

When our daughter Cassie came out, officially, to all of our friends and family, the reactions we got were mind-blowing. Everyone was so supportive, loving and wonderful. I wanted this for all transgender kids. But soon I was reminded of what I knew all along. Not all parents and guardians are able to get “on board.” And they don’t all realize, like that one mom at the meeting did, that failing to support your kid might actually result in your losing them forever, whether they run away, or do something much worse.

I decided I wanted to help. I wanted all transgender kids to have the same guidance and support my daughter has — everything from that first declaration of unconditional love, through all the meetings, and doctors’ appointments, school name changes, official court name and gender changes, surgery, and everything in between. And I could see that many of the transgender kids in my daughter’s school (yes, there are quite a few and probably more we don’t know about), did not have the necessary support to get through their own journeys to their own true selves. For families who are embarking on this uncertain and sometimes scary voyage, we want to help you too. We are available to answer questions, make referrals to helpful organizations, provide trustworthy information, and to guide you in any way we can.

So that’s how SĀFTY was born. We envision a world where everyone gets the support and guidance they need because we all deserve unconditional love, no matter your pronoun.