PERSPECTIVES: EMBRACING CHANGE
Perspectives: Embracing Change is a series of essays featuring the true stories of various people who have been close to someone’s transition. It includes the perspectives of a doctor, a sibling, two different mothers, a friend and a partner.
DOCTOR’S PERSPECTIVE
When somebody goes through a transition, the people around them each have their own perspective regarding the experience. For friends and family members, many times it is their first experience with someone close to them going through a transition. Doctors, on the other hand, who often play a key role in people’s transitions, have perspectives rooted in fact and science and oftentimes have had a broader experience with transgender individuals. Dr. Maurice Garcia, Associate Clinical Professor of Urologic Surgery in Residence at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles, California, is also the Director of the Transgender Surgery and Health Program at Cedars. Specializing in both masculinizing and feminizing gender-affirming surgeries, Dr. Garcia has helped hundreds of patients over the years.
Initially, as a urologist specializing in sexual medicine and erectile dysfunction, he would sometimes see transgender patients who would tell him about their mistreatment by other medical professionals. This was back in 2010, when there was a stigma surrounding transgender patients, suggesting that they were difficult or crazy, which led many doctors not to give their transgender patients the necessary or proper treatment. Through working with more and more transgender patients, Dr. Garcia found that the stigma was just not true. They were not difficult or crazy as many other doctors thought. As he helped more and more patients, he developed a positive reputation throughout the transgender community as a doctor who would treat his trans patients as he would anyone else. Eventually, Dr. Garcia became the most sought-after doctor at his hospital for transgender patients.
The sheer number of trans patients that Dr. Garcia was seeing indicated to him that there was a need for more doctors with advanced training in trans healthcare. Yet that type of training was not available in the United States at the time. So, he went to London for two years to receive advanced training. When he returned to California, he founded the nation’s very first gender-affirming surgery program at the University of California at San Francisco. Four years later, he founded a similar program at Cedars-Sinai and has been leading it ever since.
When a surgeon performs surgery, many times they are fixing an issue that their patient has been having. Whether it is an emergency surgery to combat a life-threatening problem, or a surgery to alleviate chronic pain, the surgeon is helping the patient to get rid of a problem. Before working primarily with transgender patients, Dr. Garcia enjoyed what he did but it was not as fulfilling as he hoped. When he began working with trans patients and seeing how much of a positive impact he had on their lives, he found the fulfillment that he was looking for. That is because performing gender-affirming surgeries is a bit different than a traditional surgery. The surgeon is not necessarily just fixing a problem. Rather, they are helping their patients be who they already knew they were internally. As Dr. Garcia explains, “There are not that many examples in surgery where people go to the operating room really excited and happy.” That is the key difference in performing gender-affirming surgeries as opposed to other types of surgeries. In performing gender-affirming surgeries, he gives his patients long-term mental peace and happiness, rather than temporary relief that a problem is gone. He now saves lives in the sense that he gives people the ability to be who they actually are, and often prevents suicide.
When people argue against widespread availability for gender-affirming surgeries and transgender healthcare in general, they are oftentimes uninformed about the true landscape of the trans community and think that transgender people do not really know what they are talking about. They think that being transgender is a new trend. They do not understand that many times transgender individuals have been feeling that way for as long as they can remember, and that there are people from all demographics, all around the world, that feel this way. Dr. Garcia’s broad spectrum of patients is a testament to that, as he has as wide of a variety of patients as possible. “I see very educated people and very uneducated people, very high socioeconomic status and very low, very old and very young. I see foreign and I see American. I see people who speak English and people who need a translator at every visit…It’s as diverse as I can imagine.” Thus, being transgender is not just a new cool trend on social media, but rather something that impacts people from every single demographic both within the United States and around the world. Despite his patients coming from many different backgrounds, they all describe what they need in pretty much the same way. They know that their body is not what it should be; they just want their bodies to feel normal for who they know they are. No amount of pressure from others or wanting to fit into a new trend can make so many people of different backgrounds from all around the world have the same general feelings about who they are and what they need to feel comfortable in their own skin.
Another common misconception regarding the transgender community is that transgender individuals make the decision to receive gender-affirming surgery too early and that they will regret it later in life. What the people who make this argument do not know, is that there are guidelines put in place to ensure that anyone who is undergoing gender-affirming surgery is absolutely ready for such a life-changing event. These guidelines are designed to protect people from regret. If they have been met, surgery will not be performed. Often, if someone is not ready for the surgery, it is either because they have not thought everything through enough to know that it is the right decision for them, or it is because other issues are affecting their lives that need to be addressed before a doctor can feel comfortable proceeding with surgery. These issues can include mental health problems or social problems such as housing. Patients also must not have underlying health problems such as lung or heart conditions that will prevent them from making a recovery after surgery. In terms of mental health problems, sometimes a patient may need those to be treated before they are ready for life-changing surgery. More commonly, gender-affirming surgery may need to be postponed if a patient is experiencing changing feelings about their gender and sexuality. In such a case it is beneficial for them to pinpoint exactly how they feel before moving forward with an irreversible gender-affirming surgery.
These guidelines, which are set forth by the World Professional Association for Transgender Health (WPATH) must be followed by both doctors and patients before any patient of any age is approved for gender-affirming surgery. The guidelines state that a patient must have been seeing a therapist enough for the therapist to agree that the patient has gender dysphoria and that any other mental health issues are under control. The therapist as well as another doctor, typically the individual’s general practitioner, must both write a letter indicating that the patient is ready for gender-affirming surgery. This requirement is put in place to ensure that any transgender patient seeking gender-affirming surgery has followed all the guidelines and that nobody can just walk into a hospital and get surgery without being properly vetted by doctors. Dr. Garcia explains that oftentimes, patients may not have necessarily needed the surgery letters because it was clear that they were ready for surgery, but the practice of getting these approval letters was put into place to protect the few who are not ready for surgery even if they think they are. The guidelines also state that the patient must not have socioeconomic problems such as a lack of housing as that would make recovery extremely difficult or even impossible.
One major argument against the transgender community is based on the false notion that children can go through a medical transition whenever they feel that they are ready. This is untrue. No doctor will treat any transgender child with hormones or medicine before the child has reached puberty. When a young child has indicated that they are in the wrong body, they often begin their social transition and work with doctors or therapists, well before starting a medical transition. The reason that treatment such as puberty blockers or hormones is started at puberty, is because puberty is extraordinarily difficult for someone who is in the wrong body. Being forced to undergo puberty for the wrong gender often leads to suicide. Puberty blockers thus assist in suicide prevention and also make further gender-affirming treatments easier. For example, blockers may stop a transgender male from developing breasts so that they will not need surgery to remove those breasts later. Or they may stop a transgender female from getting a deeper voice, which causes mental health issues and would require voice training to alleviate. These things make both the social and medical transition much smoother for the individual.
As far as bottom surgery goes, it is not performed until the patient has turned 18. In some rare cases, if a patient has already been speaking with a therapist for some time and has been following all other guidelines, surgery might be performed a few months before they turn 18 as long as the parents have consented. Regardless of the age of the patient, however, the WPATH guidelines must be met before a surgeon will agree to perform surgery.
Deciding to undergo a transition is obviously a major decision that requires a lot of time and thought. Many people question their gender but are unsure of what the right steps are for them to take. For people in these types of situations, Dr. Garcia says speaking with a therapist is the best first step. A therapist is often very helpful for people who are unsure of what to make of their gender questioning because they offer the individual a place to talk things out and ultimately figure out what the best steps for them are. A good indicator of what those correct next steps are, is to figure out which gender roles they feel comfortable participating in. Expressing their gender externally through gender roles is how people can make how they live, match up with who they know they are on the inside. Typically, once they feel comfortable expressing themselves in the same way they feel on the inside, the next step is to begin hormone treatment. This does not include young children who have not yet reached puberty as treatment is not an option for them until they are a bit older and have reached the beginning stages of puberty.
As the landscape of the transgender community has progressed over the years, there are more and more resources becoming available to help people understand what it means to be transgender. Even with these resources, it can still be difficult for people to fully understand something that they have never felt themselves. Because of this, transitions can be hard to fully grasp for friends and family of transgender individuals. For those who are close to somebody who may be going through a transition, it is important to love them for who they are and to listen to them when they say how they feel. Even if it is difficult to understand, accepting them can only make the process go smoother. People know who they are. Whether it is a straight man, a lesbian woman or any other gender or sexuality, people know who they are. Dr. Garcia explains that a person’s gender is not something they decide. “I never decided to be a man or a boy. I just was…If someone else says that they’re something different, they’re not deciding that either.” It is no different for a transgender person. Although their internal feelings may be different from the “norm” or from what most people understand, they are still valid and true, and should be listened to and taken seriously. Dr. Garcia says optimism and acceptance are the best ways to help a loved one going through a transition. It is hard enough for someone to make such a huge change and to stand out just because they are different. And there is no benefit in making it any harder on them by not accepting them. “You are who you are. All I can do is love you or reject you. Do we really want to reject our family? No.” - Dr. Maurice Garcia.
PARENT’S PERSPECTIVE
Any time a person goes through a transition there are a unique set of circumstances pertaining to how the situation will unfold. With any transition, but even more so with young people, familial support plays a crucial role in determining how smoothly everything will go. Lisa, a mother of four, had an interesting situation on her hands when one of her children, Ryan, who was born as a female, began indicating from a very young age that he felt like he was a boy.
Lisa recalls the first time her son expressed this to her and her wife, Jackie. They were going to see some friends and needed to get their son dressed. He was about one and a half years old at this time and had never directly expressed anything to them about being a boy as he could not yet talk. When Lisa put a dress on him, he started crying and threw a fit. But as soon as she took the dress off, he quieted down and seemed very relieved. While this did not make Lisa think, “This must mean my son is transgender.” it became something for her and Jackie to keep an eye on, as it was not something they had experienced with any of their other children. Then, when Ryan was around three years old, Lisa went to give him his first haircut. At this time, he had very curly hair and she did not want him to lose his curls, so she cut it the way that she wanted it, keeping it long and curly. When she took Ryan to school, he would point out the shorter haircuts on the other boys at school and say that he wanted his hair to be like theirs. So she cut his hair super short and he was ecstatic. Around this time Lisa and Jackie began telling friends and family that this is what made Ryan happy, and that they were going to respect his decision and let him express himself freely. Lisa’s message to friends and family was, “If you don’t like it, that’s okay. But you’re not going to say anything because you’re going to respect his decision.” She wanted to ensure that Ryan would grow up and figure out who he was in a positive and friendly environment. Over the next couple years, Ryan began to use he/him pronouns and was living his life as a boy.
For Lisa, all she wanted was for her son not to be afraid to express himself and to be able to figure out who he was. Whether he changed his mind and wanted to live as a girl or to continue down his path of living as a boy, did not matter to her. She just wanted him to be happy and comfortable being himself.
This was met with backlash from Lisa’s mother who thought Ryan was too young to make these decisions for himself. “Let them change, even if it's 100 times…As long as you’re safe and you’re happy, that’s what matters,” was Lisa’s message to her mother and to anyone else who did not approve of how she was raising her son. This is Lisa’s outlook on how children should be treated. A change in gender, which is absolutely a major change, is still just like any other change. While perhaps on a larger scale, that change is just like a child’s changing interests or changing clothing styles. It did not matter to Lisa what Ryan’s expression was; she just wanted him to be able to express himself however he wanted to. This is her attitude towards all of her children, it just so happens that in Ryan’s instance, self-expression included a change in pronouns.
For the most part, Lisa and Jackie’s families were open and supportive. Lisa described the first time Ryan met their extended family when he was five years-old. The family knew that there was a transgender kid but were shocked when Lisa told them it was the little boy with the big mohawk. He seemed to them like any other little boy because that is what he was. He was being his authentic self, which meant being a regular little kid just like anyone else. This goes to show that being transgender does not have to be a big deal unless someone makes it a big deal. It is important to remember that every transition is unique and different, and in some cases, it might be a bigger deal if that is what the transgender individual wants. For others, such as Ryan, that is not the case.
Aside from just being supportive of her son and helping him grow and find himself, Lisa has found that this entire experience has made her a better mother to all her other children as well. It forced her to let some of her “mama bear” tendencies come out, whether that meant cutting off unsupportive people, or strengthening the bond she had with her children and that they had with each other. Ryan’s transition made it so that Lisa and Jackie were able to cultivate a close-knit relationship with each other and their children, and anyone who did not accept each one of them for who they were, would not be welcomed into their lives. This is not to say that these relationships would not have formed without Ryan’s transition, but that may have jump-started the process.
Lisa and Jackie being so open and supportive of Ryan from the jump has also had a positive impact on other aspects of the family’s lives. Ryan is in a household where he feels comfortable sharing things with his parents and does not feel that he has to hide things from them. This is not only apparent in his relationship with his parents, but in all of his relationships. He is not afraid to speak his mind or say how he feels, which are often abilities many other people struggle with. Although he is only 12 years old, Lisa says he has an old soul. She means he has a good grasp of knowing what he should talk about openly and what he should not. Lisa attributes this to his growing up as a boy rather than as a trans boy. While he is transgender, being transgender is not a huge part of his identity at this stage of his life. So he has been very particular about who he shares that information with. This has helped him to know that it is not always his place to share other people’s personal stories, which is not the case for a lot of children.
When parents are resistant to or unsupportive of their children’s changes, they are making it much more difficult for there to be positive outcomes. While Lisa’s experience is only one example, it is a microcosm of all the positive things that can come with parents being supportive of their children going through major changes. Whether it is a huge change like a gender transition or something smaller like changing a hairstyle, embracing the change is the only way to see if the outcome will be positive. And more often than not, it is.
Brother’s Perspective
Ben was about to go back to school after Thanksgiving break freshman year of college when his mom sat him down to talk. He does not remember why he had this feeling, but he said to her something along the lines of, “Either someone has cancer or C**** is trans.” She said to him that from now on, his sister would be using she/her pronouns and would be going by the name “May”. This was the beginning of her transition.
Ben’s initial reaction was being sort of shocked by the gravity of the situation but not at all surprised about who it was happening to. At that point, May had already come out as bisexual a couple of years earlier, so Ben and his parents attributed her feminine mannerisms and personality to her sexuality. But to hear that she had said she wanted to undergo a full gender transition when she was only 15 years old was still a bit shocking to hear. He later found out that May had already come out to their parents in May of that year, so she had six months to discuss it with them and decide that she was absolutely certain of this.
The fact that she had waited so long before feeling comfortable enough to tell Ben definitely made him feel a little bit weird. It was obvious to him that he would always love and accept her no matter what but maybe it was not so clear to her. But as the years have gone by he has grown to understand why she was so scared. Before her transition, May and Ben had never really been friends because they had very little in common. When they were younger, Ben would get made fun of for having such a feminine brother so he would try to get May to act different or like a man. After learning about gender and sexuality in high school and both of them getting older and more mature, he did not fight with her or make fun of her as much, but he understands how his previous actions made her afraid to tell him at first.
With that being said, they are only three years apart and grew up in the same house so they spent tons of time together. All the time spent together throughout their childhoods gave Ben a unique view of and relationship with May. That is partly why he was not so surprised that she wanted to transition. When Ben and May were younger, they would sleep over at their family friends who had two girls the same ages as them. Every time they would go there, May would spend the whole time putting on princess dresses and acting overtly feminine by making her voice higher and walking around as if she were a model. It used to really bother Ben to the point that he would tell his dad when they went home and he would tell her not to do that anymore. Sure enough, every time they went back there May went straight to the dresses. At home, too, a lack of dresses did not stop May from dressing up how she wanted to. Ben would find her in her room wearing pants on her head to mimic long hair with all sorts of clothes tied together to make dresses. Ben does not remember her ever stopping that behavior, but once she had come out as bisexual, her family was more accepting of her acting feminine.
So after hearing the news of May’s wanting to transition, Ben went back to school. Obviously, it was all he could think about. The gravity of it all did not fully hit him until he was back at school, alone, with nobody around to really discuss it with, since nobody knew much of anything about his sister or the fact that he even had a sibling. He just felt very uncomfortable about it. He felt like all the memories that he had with his brother were fake and that he had been spending the last 15 years with someone who was not actually who they appeared to be. In that sense, he was upset. But never once did he feel upset at May. He always just felt a little angry at himself for making her feel like she could not tell him for so long.
In the first few months of now having a sister, when he would tell people that he had a sister, it felt like he was lying to them. Over time that all changed and it all felt more and more real. But he has always felt bad that for those first few months, telling people he had a sister felt like telling a lie. Since they had spent so little time together after she had come out, he did not really get to see how much happier May was now that she was on a journey to feeling comfortable in her own skin. Each time Ben would go back home for break, whether it was for a few days or a few months, he could see that May just seemed much happier in general.
He knew that she had a good support system back home and that she was in a very socially accepting and understanding school where it may have been easier for someone to go through a transition than in some other places. But he also knew that high school kids can be brutal and all it takes is one mean person to ruin someone’s day.
Ben remembered thinking to himself that if May can begin a transition as a sophomore in high school, then there was nothing that he could have going on that he could not get through. Obviously no transition is easy, but he is glad that May was able to do it in a mostly supportive environment. Still, he cannot imagine the courage that it took for her to come out to her peers, some of whom had known her since she was a little kid. Even to this day, she has inspired him in that sense and he thinks about it quite often.
The one part of her transition that he really struggled with was the feeling that all the memories that he had made growing up with May were all fake. He was across the country at school for the first several months of her transition, so he did not get to see what she was like at all until he came back home for summer break. Now that he was able to spend more time with her in person, it became abundantly clear to him that despite her changing her gender, she was really not changing at all. She remained the same person that she had always been which really illustrated that she was doing the right thing for herself. After seeing her during her transition, he realized that he had just had a sister the entire time. The memories that he had no longer felt fake and instead began to feel like he had made them with someone who just looked a little bit different at the time.
Fast forward to 2022 when Ben moved back home after college. At this point, May had undergone a full transition and was legally a woman and had even had her bottom surgery. This was now pretty much the first time that they had been living together and spending a lot of time together since before her transition. It makes him so happy that they finally became friends and have found things that they have in common. Their relationship has flourished and if someone told Ben that this would happen when he was a kid, he would have thought they were crazy. He has so much respect for her and what she went through, and he learned so much from her doing what she did. Still, he sometimes is upset at how his actions as a child made her feel like she could not talk to him about something so important in her life. But their relationship has since more than mended and he is very grateful.
Sometimes he wonders what it would have been like if his family had not been supportive of her when she came out. As much as he hates to think it, it probably would have led to May committing suicide as so many transgender people do. Nobody likes change. It’s hard and it makes people uncomfortable, but it must be embraced. Seeing how happy his sister now, and how his relationship with her has grown so much, serves as evidence that change is okay as long as we are willing to embrace it.
Friend’s Perspective
When Adam and Jennifer began high school in 2016, they were both at a new school and did not have many friends there yet. A few months into their freshman year, they were introduced to each other by some mutual friends and quickly developed a close friendship with each other. Before they knew it, they had become best friends.
One thing Adam did not know was that Jennifer had a secret that she had not really told anyone, and this secret was eating away at her. One day in between classes towards the end of their freshman year, Adam and Jennifer were walking with some other friends when she told him. “I’ve been thinking about this for a while, and I think I’m trans. I am very overwhelmed, and I don’t know what my plan is, but I wanted to tell you since we’ve been friends for a little while now.” Hearing this was a bit of a shock for Adam, and he could tell that it took a lot for Jennifer just to say these words out loud. So he just wanted her to know that he appreciated her being so open with him and that he would be there for her no matter what. At this point in time, Jennifer had not even told her family yet, so Adam was just glad that he made her feel comfortable enough to confide in him and get this massive weight off of her shoulders, even though they had only known each other for a few months. This was the first time Jennifer had been so open with him about such a major topic, but he knew they would have many more conversations about this. “I took the role of a listener in the conversations; trying to reassure her that no matter what, I would be there.”
Immediately after this first conversation, Adam could see that Jennifer had a sense of relief. For the few months of their friendship before Jennifer came out to Adam, she had been internally questioning her gender and had nobody to talk to about it. After seeing a change in her overall mood after coming out, Adam could tell in hindsight, that Jennifer had really been struggling and feeling alone before coming out. He told her that he would be there for her during this difficult time and that she would never have to go through something like this alone.
Now that Jennifer had gotten this off her chest, she had new concerns about what people would think when she eventually came out to the rest of the school. Adam listened while she explained she did not want her being transgender to define her. She did not want to be seen only as “the trans girl.” She wanted people to know that she was still the same person inside. She was also a bit worried about people having negative reactions to her coming out and bullying her because of it. Luckily, they were at a school where most of the other kids were accepting and would probably not give her a hard time over it. But as she had not yet come out to everyone else, she could not know for sure. It would not be for several months that she came out to the rest of the school, and in the meantime, Adam kept telling her that he would be right by her side through it all.
He did not want to assume how she wanted to be supported and made sure he maintained the role of a listener. He supported her in the ways that she wanted to be supported; mainly just being there for her when she was having a tough time navigating such a massive change in her life. “I let her know that whatever she needed at whatever time is what I would be able to provide.” Often, that was just validating her thoughts. She was still very worried about the reactions she would get from the rest of the school when she came out to them, and even the reaction from her family who she had still not come out to yet. Letting her know that all of her thoughts and concerns were valid, rather than telling her that she should not worry, was helpful to her in terms of reinforcing to her that her thoughts were normal for someone in her situation.
All of this was still very early on in Jennifer’s transition, and the ways that Adam supported her continued to change as Jennifer became more and more comfortable being out. While it began with Adam just lending an ear and supporting her when things got rough, it later morphed into a more active type of support. He would correct people on her name and pronouns. And he always asked to make sure she was comfortable before taking on more roles as an ally and supporter, and she continued to be comfortable with more and more things as time went on.
Adam and Jennifer’s friendship was never defined by her transition, and they always managed to have a good dynamic in all other aspects of their friendship. Jennifer was worried that once she came out, their entire friendship would be all about him supporting her, but that was not the case. “I didn’t see her differently. I just appreciated getting to learn something new about her.” He always made sure that there was room for “everything else” that was going on in their lives and that they could talk to each other about anything. Jennifer’s coming out did not change the dynamic of their friendship, but rather made them both know that they did not have to be afraid to talk to each other about whatever it was that was on their minds.
Adam was never looking for any personal gain in sticking by Jennifer’s side through this rough time. He just wanted to do right by her and be a good friend. However, her coming out to him served as a catalyst for him eventually coming out as gay to her the following year. When he came out, he now had a good support system with Jennifer just as he had been a good support system for her. This speaks to the idea that when someone you care about is going through a transition or any other type of major change, it is immensely important to embrace that change and be supportive. You never know when you might be in a position where you need similar support. So if you do right by people, they will do right by you.
Partner’s Perspective
Parent’s Perspective 2
Throughout Perspectives: Embracing Change, the situations discussed have been when a loved one comes out as transgender and begins going through a transition. Sometimes, however, we meet transgender people who have already begun their transition. When Corinne met her partner Jess, who is trans, Jess was already a couple of years into her transition. In every relationship, communication is important. This is especially true for people developing a romantic relationship. When building a new relationship with someone who is going through a transition, communication is even more important, since using the correct pronouns or vocabulary might be a bit more tricky.
Corinne and Jess initially met as coworkers and quickly developed a friendship. Even before it turned romantic, their friendship was built on communicating very openly and clearly about everything. So Corinne knew Jess was trans from the very beginning of their friendship. Oftentimes couples might find it difficult to establish clear and open lines of communication which is why it is beneficial to establish the precedent of being open with each other early on. Corinne recognizes the importance of maintaining clear communication in her relationship because “Trans people are always changing, but also all people are always changing.” While the change for a transgender person might be more outward and apparent, it is important to remember that all people are constantly changing. As any person evolves, their wants and needs evolve as well. And it is crucial for those to be communicated to one’s partner.
This can be applied to any relationship, not just those with a transgender person. But there may be areas of communication that are less common in relationships with cisgender individuals, such as discussing pronouns. For example, when someone is going through their transition, it’s not always a one-way street. They do not always go from male to female or vice versa. Rather, many trans people experience gender in a more fluid way. Moreover, they sometimes feel the need to change pronouns more than once. Assigned female at birth, they may realize they are transgender and use he/him pronouns for a while. But then may find they do not feel completely “male” either. They then may decide to use they/them pronouns because that aligns more with how they experience their gender. Therefore, any partner or ally of someone trans should go with the flow and use whatever pronouns their trans friend/partner says they should use.
When an ally tries to be supportive of someone going through a transition, whether that person is their partner or not, it is important not to assume they want to be supported only in specific ways. Every transgender person is their own individual and there are a variety of ways in which they might need support. Corinne has known many different transgender people in her life and knows that just because one of them wanted to be supported in a certain way does not mean all of them do. For instance, some trans individuals might want their friends to assist them in correcting people on their proper name and pronouns, while other individuals may want to handle that on their own. The only way to know how your partner wants to be supported is by discussing it openly, which goes back to the importance of maintaining open lines of communication. Corinne discussed the importance of encouraging check-ins with Jess to make sure things she was aware of any changes to Jess’s nicknames or pronouns. Corinne has had these conversations not only with Jess, but with her other transgender friends as well. “For some people, it is really important for the world to perceive them as this other identity and for others, its more about being more fluid and not existing within a binary.” Not putting our transgender friends into a box and rather adjusting our own ideas of what support means to align with their needs, is an effective way to navigate the ever-changing landscape of somebody’s transition.
Corinne views every relationship as a learning experience and is constantly trying to learn new things and better herself. In her relationship with Jess, she discussed how aside from learning more ways that she can be supportive as an ally, she also has learned a lot about being comfortable with herself. “I’ve learned a lot more about vulnerability and being comfortable opening up and being authentic.” Jess has always been very accepting of Corinne and allowed her to feel comfortable just being herself, which is something that Corinne had not necessarily had in her previous relationships. For many transgender people, simply existing in their own skin shows the people around them that they are comfortable and unafraid to be themselves. In spending so much time with Jess, Corinne has now learned that she too, can be comfortable in her own skin. Jess being so accepting of Corinne, just as Corinne has been so accepting of Jess, has allowed Corinne to feel comfortable existing and being herself not only in the context of her relationship, but in all aspects of her life. Being comfortable in our own skin is something that everyone strives for but a lot of people have trouble with achieving or maintaining. In Corinne’s case, she has been lucky enough to find a partner in Jess who has been able to help her be comfortable being herself.
Perspectives: Embracing Change has largely been about the benefits of embracing our loved ones’ transitions rather than turning our backs on them. In embracing the change, people have seen their relationships with their loved ones flourish or have learned how to be more accepting of people in general. While Corinne’s story is about embracing change in others, it is also about how her relationship with Jess has allowed her to embrace her own change and be comfortable with herself. This goes to show that we never know how our lives will change for the better when we enter a new chapter. We can find possibilities for ourselves that we may not have envisioned as long as we embrace the change in others.
As a single mother of five, Eve has always been a family woman who had a special relationship with each of her children. When Eve’s second child, Billie, came out to her as a lesbian, Eve was a bit shocked. This was 14 years ago in 2010, when resources and information regarding the LGBTQ+ community were not as readily available as they are today, and being a member of the community was not quite as normalized as it is today. Eve was afraid of what would be in store for Billie, who was only 17 when they initially came out. Many parents have fears when their children come out because of the potential bullying or mistreatment from their peers that kids may face. So as many parents would, Eve wanted to make sure Billie was sure. Eve followed up with many questions, like, “Are you sure? What about church?” And a couple of days later, Billie changed their mind about it.
But a couple of years later, Billie told Eve that they were, indeed lesbian and that they were sure of it. After that, when Billie met their partner (who they are now married to), their partner helped them realize that maybe they were transgender and not lesbian. After reading more about it and spending time really learning what it meant to be transgender, Billie realized they had been transgender all along.
Eve and her family had been heavily involved with their church since Billie was a kid, and she was concerned about how the church would react to the news or to seeing Billie, who had now begun transitioning. The elder at their church also happened to be Eve’s boss (he owned the company she worked for), and she was very worried of losing her job over this if he found out Billie was transgender. She was a single mother raising five children and wanted to be sure that she would be able to provide for them. At this point, Eve decided it would be best for Billie to live with Eve’s brother. Eve thought that it would make it easier for them to hide this from the church so that Eve would not lose her job. Although Eve did not see it this way at the time, Billie felt like they were being kicked out of the house.
The first couple months after Billie had left, Eve did not speak to them very much. After some time, she wanted to make it clear to Billie that she wanted to fix their relationship and be back in each other’s lives. To do this, she began volunteering at the LGBT center in Orange County where Billie had spent a lot of time. In making this effort to better understand her child’s life and what it meant to be a transgender or any member of the LGBTQ+ community, Eve felt a real connection with Billie which was something they had not had while this situation was playing out.
Billie was now back at home and things were returning to normal. But Eve quickly realized that people at church had found out about Billie’s transition. At church, she was not being treated the same way she used to be. For example, her assistance was dismissed when she would attempt to help out at church events, when in the past she would have always been welcomed. She also began to see people from church at the supermarket who would purposely go down other aisles to avoid having to see her. This mean and unfair treatment by members of the church was what she needed to realize she should remove herself from that environment. So she stopped going to church. This really put into perspective for her. Previously, she had not wanted to leave the church because she felt that she needed her church community in order to help nourish her relationship with God, which she valued over everything. Once she began being mistreated by the other members of her church, she realized that she did not need these people in order to have her own relationship with God. In her time away from church, she feels that her relationship with God actually got stronger because now she was not reliant upon these other people and could have more one-on-one time with Him at home.
However, she still was working the same job and was still fearful that she may lose her job if her boss were to find out about Billie’s transition. What Eve did not know, was that someone from church had already told her boss. She found that out when her boss brought Billie up to her one day, simply saying he’d heard Billie got married and was presenting more masculine now. Eve was puzzled at how he had found out this information since she had spent so much time attempting to hide it from him, But she was relieved to hear him say that she would never lose her job over something like this.
Thus began their deeper conversation where she was able to offer him, a Church Elder, a viewpoint on this issue that he had not yet considered. She explained to him that Billie had been baptized as a child, and therefore accepted by Christ. Would Christ really abandon them now just because they presented more masculine? Her boss had never thought about it like that before. He admitted that he was not sure if he would be able to support a trans child in the same way that Eve did, but he now had a better understanding of what it means to a parent a child who comes out as transgender. Even if his view was not immediately flipped, he was having a conversation that he had never had before, and was beginning to think about things differently.
After having this conversation with her boss, a massive weight was lifted from her shoulders. She no longer felt that she had to hide anything from anyone, and she could fully lean into learning more about the LGBTQ+ community and volunteering at the Orange County LGBT center. A few years earlier when Billie had come out as lesbian, they had developed a community at the LGBT center. Some were local queer individuals who did not have the best support systems, while others were transgender people who had moved to California from other states where they could not transition. One year at Thanksgiving, Billie told Eve about all these friends and that none of them had a place to go for the holiday. Eve said they were all welcome at the house. That was the beginning of their Friendsgiving tradition which they have now been doing for 15 years. Over the years, the group has grown so much that Eve can no longer host at her house and instead now has to host it at the LGBT center where they feed between 300 and 400 people every year. Aside from hosting a Friendsgiving dinner, over the years she has served as an educator on what it means for a parent to embrace their trans children, for countless people across Southern California. She was able to meet all these people through Billie and through her work at the LGBT center, which never would have happened if she had not made the effort to rebuild her relationship with Billie and really educate herself on what being queer means and how to be an ally.
Eve never would have imagined that her life would be the way it is today. Before any of this happened, she thought she was content with life. She had five beautiful children, a steady job that she enjoyed, and a wonderful community of people at church. Although it took some time and education, Eve ultimately embraced the change that was her child’s transition. And now, because of that, she has become a crucial figure in Southern California in educating people on what it means to be an ally and how to support the people we love. “Just because it doesn’t start off well doesn’t mean it can’t end well.” This applies to her situation with Billie but can also be applied to any situation where a big change happens. Society still has a long way to go in terms of educating the masses on the landscape of the transgender community, but by being open-minded and embracing change, we keep moving forward in the fight for equality, support, and unconditional love.